idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
