I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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