I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
