Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
