I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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