the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just had sex on a roof
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
