and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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