Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
