remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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