The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
