You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
