So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
