White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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