chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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