so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize