That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
