i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
