so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
