Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
my being single is dangerous.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
