Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
