Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
