you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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