I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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