Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
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I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
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It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
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