yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Randomize
