some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize
