I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
