I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
