I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
