Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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