Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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