I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
