Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
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