I bet he comes in French.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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