Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
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So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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