your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
