Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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