Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize