i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
