I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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