you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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