I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
40s are totally the cure
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
