Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
