The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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