i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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