Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Randomize
