i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
