the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
