Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
