I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
