I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
